if you called today and asked me to stay,

would i smile all day,

or would just hang up and turn away?

would i think of all my yesterdays,

or would i follow your lead to tomorrow?

 

 

being just friends is safe. ya it'd be nice to have that special someone, but lately the risk of my heart isn't worth letting someone that far in. don't get me wrong i want to but it seems like part of me is incapable. i'm less than 2 months away from turning 20 years old and i've never been kissed. i've had oportunities, but it has never felt right so i've always turned away and avoided the kiss.

 

i'm pathetic. i keep saying i want to have someone to count on, but everytime a guy tries to get close i seem to just push him away before i get hurt. my latest boyfriend i didn't even want to have a picture taken of us together. my first boyfriend, we have loads of pictures together. maybe i assosiate pictures, having a song, or even the attempted kiss to the pain that i felt when i found out that my whole relationship with him was all a lie. and maybe i assosiate that with the shattering of my heart over and over again for months and months later.

 

so i guess until i meet a guy who makes me want to take that risk and not run away a short way into the relationship being just friends will have to work.

 

so i've learned alot i think from the main guys i've dated, i know it may look like a short list but it means alot

Caleb - don't trust a guy who makes you cry. also question if he doesn't stand up for you if someone attacks you even if it is just verbally. he needs to beable to love himself before he can love you.

Marc - don't compair peopel to one another. espeically people you have dated. you'll unknowingly put them up to standards that don't apply to them

Robert - you need a good friend base before you can be anymore

Chris - attraction isn't enough, no matter how much you want it to be, you need to share core beliefs

So the past few months have been insane. I met a guy who I originally thought was amazing. He was sweet and kind, and had alot of the qualities that I had on my "list." We seemed to hit off really well and really fast. Within two weeks of knowing each other we started a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Everything was fine and dandy, occasionally he would say something that was a bit of a caution sign to me, but I mostly ignored them. There also has been alot of talk of getting married in our lives as of late, people around us are hitting home with the don't wait around to get married. find that someone and get on with it, and there would be occasional jokes and such about getting married. I know I'm not ready to just hand my heart over to someone, especially when I hardly know them. So this past Monday I told him that I need to take a step back for a while, and be just friends. Then in a few months we can see how things go. Well he took it really hard, he wanted to talk at 1:30 am which didn't make my news I was giving him any easier to give or take. Then have he had cooled off for a bit we went back to talking, but this time just as friends. Well Friday he met up with me after a Chiropractic appointment and we went to see a movie, and had a good time, but didn't talk much. Then there was a fireside tonight at church and I was running late to it so I got a sandwich to eat in the car. I had eaten most of it and didn't want the last couple of bites, so when we arrived at the church I had decided I was going to go into the bathroom and throw the rest away. This guy and another guy I know where both sitting in the forere and I did a quick waved and said hey to them both and walked on by to the bathroom. Before the firesides I mostly keep to myself and with people I know well, mostly people in my ward. So I didn't walk up to him give him a big hug and start talking to him. He also didn't come up and start talking to me either. Well he got mad and left and then posted on his facebook about no one being worth the heartbreak. I didn't freaking do anything wrong and he got mad at me for it. I treated him no differently than I treated every other person that was there. I'm kinda glad that things have happened this way. It has shown me that he is willing to let something so stupid as this to get in the way of growing spiritually. He left before the fireside, was he really there for the right reason? Years from now if I am married to him, and someone says (or doesn't say) something will he stop attending church? What will I be left to fill in the spiritual lives of any children there may be because he hasn't stepped up? I need to have someone who I know will always stand beside me, and won't walk out of church because some dumb little thing. Ya it's nice to have the fellowship with other members, but they are not why we are there. The reason we should be going is for our eternal salvation, and we will get hurt feelings but that isn't a reason to stop going. If he had waited till after the meeting, I probably would have gone and talked to him after, like I went and talked with my other friends afterwards. I sent him a text after saying that he could have said hi too, I should have to be the only one to do so. And he has been a rather big jerk tonight, and not just to me. He made me cry...I'm grateful for the amazing friends that I have though. I sent one of my good guy friends a text after I got back to my room, and he was still on campus so he came over and just talked with me for a while. It made my night alot better. I probably would have cried alot more than I did if he hadn't come. Well it's late and I have class in the morning. Night.

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written in a while. I haven't forgotten about you; I guess I've just been busy. There is one thing I do wantg this year though. It's really not alot, at least I don't think it is. Could you just send my love to me? I think he's forgotten about me. I don't even know if he still cares. A second chance to fix my mistakes is all I need. I really think I love him, and I hate that I hurt him. If you could let him know that this is my wish, he might help to make it come true. I really think we could be great.

Sincerely with Love,

Miranda Gregory

You took the only barrior I had
And you threw it away.
Then you stand there accusing me
Saying I'm all wrong.
You said you would do anything you could to protect me
Then you're the one to cause these tears to fall.
I should have known it was just some lie
Some practical joke to see how hard I'd fall.
Now that you've seen me falling
It seems like you just want to run away and never look back.
You stole away my only protection
And let me fall to the cold, hard ground.
I was wishing in my heart that together we'd fall
And in our desent start to fly.
I should have known and shouldn't have even tried.
But you need to see you're at fault as well as I.
Just because I'm the one who admitted to my fault
Doesn't mean you did want to.
You told me different things
And for the first time didn't listen.
I wished for you so much
But slot of good it did me.
So be careful in stealing barriors
And be careful in stealing hearts
When you take something away
You must give another part.